放过我吧

来到印度差不多三个月了，感觉自己老了很多，成熟很多。

那么多年来，不管日子再怎么难，我都撑过去了。来到这里也不例外。不管多么难受，我都硬撑，死撑。

这一刻，我不想再欺骗自己了。我真的受够了，累了。已经发烧八天了，已经过了八天不开心的日子，也错过了会让我开心的每一件事情。我每天都过得战战兢兢，不敢乱吃，不敢有激烈的情绪，不断用手掌贴在额头探温。每天都期待隔天醒来会是全新，健康的一天。深怕一觉醒来会无力，头晕或头痛。每天祈祷着同样的东西，却每天都被辜负。

还记得有一晚，身体发冷到差不多令我放弃的地步。整晚睡不着，不断搏斗。过了几个小时，身体却又变得火烧般热。挨了几个小时好不容易睡着，却又得从短暂的睡眠爬起来，像没事般如常上课。

去医院被人当人球踢来踢去就算了，而且还不只一天。被人抽了一大管子的血也算了，但病情却不见得有起色。明明感觉身体逐渐康复，却又突然发生让我梦醒的事情。本以为自己已经痊愈，特意吃大餐奖励自己。美食刚吃完，就马上感觉身体出现变化。天气同时转冷， 身体热起来，却又分不清是烧未退或只是身体应对天气的改变。

吃完晚餐，大伙儿很兴奋地嚷着去打桌球再吃雪糕。本应是难忘的夜生活，我满脑子只想着回宿舍洗澡睡觉，希望早日康复。

一位好心的学长骑摩托送我回宿舍， 让我不必孤孤单单地乘搭auto。实在感谢他。洗澡时满脑子的感概。尤其是想念认识多年的老朋友：立恩，俊杰，宁芮，淑玲。如果这时你们在我身边，或者我还在马来西亚，那该多好。想着想着，真的很想哭，但还是按奈着情绪。

你们啊，现在在干嘛？健康吗？愿一切美好。

回忆是最可怕的敌人

再也没有一首歌

比这首更能把这阵子的心情勾划得如此具体

分离

也许冰冷

回忆

才是最可怕的敌人

詞：吳青峯 曲：吳青峯

心疼的玫瑰 半夜還開著 找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到現場卻已來不及 等待任何回音都不可得

微弱的風箏 冬天裡飄著 回不去手中纏線的那個
沒有藍天 又何必去飛 怎麼適合

黑色笑靨掉了 雪白眼淚掉了 該出現的所有表情瞬間掉了
瞳孔沒有顏色 結了冰的長河 回憶是最可怕的敵人

故事情節掉了 主角對白掉了 該屬於劇中的對角戲也掉了
胸口沒有快樂 斷了翅的白鴿 不枯萎的藉口全掉了

曾經唱過的歌 分享過的笑聲 在心中不斷拉扯
想念不能承認 偷偷擦去淚痕 冬天過了還是會很冷

黑色笑靨掉了 雪白眼淚掉了 該出現的所有表情瞬間掉了
瞳孔沒有顏色 結了冰的長河 回憶是最可怕的敵人

故事情節掉了 主角對白掉了 該屬於劇中的對角戲也掉了
胸口沒有快樂 斷了翅的白鴿 不枯萎的藉口全掉了

BTN Camp

I made a promise to blog about BTN Camp 2 weeks ago (LOL) but due to laziness, the plan was procrastinated.

Thank you Lee Chin for reminding me to blog about the camp (it was few days ago, haha). It’s time to work my fingers.

First of all, allow me to do some definition.

BTN = Biro Tatatnegara

BTN Camp = A mandatory 5 days 4 nights camp for all JPA scholars and whoever using government’s $$ to further their education overseas.

It’s a very controversial camp, with rumours (some are true) about racism and discrimination. Well, it depends on the facilitators, trainers and location of the camp.

If you are lucky enough, you can survive the camp without serious hardship. If you don’t wanna risk it, DON’T EVER ACCEPT GOVERNMENT’S $$ TO FUND YOUR EDUCATION. Go for other scholarships / use your parents’ $$ to study abroad / replace your parents with wealthier ones / study locally etc.

I think I was quite lucky because most of the facilitators here were good and open-minded, or at least they tried their best to act that way. Some were irritating, but not a very big issue.

The name of the camp is Kursus Kenegaraan Mahasiswa ke Luar Negara. If you didn’t fail BM in SPM, you can get a rough idea of what the camp is about. Basically the sole objective of the camp is to instil a sense of (or great deal of)patrotism into all attendees.

So throughout the entire course, you’ll get a recap of the nation’s history. It felt like attending history lessons in secondary school, the only difference is that this time, you have to prove that you really understand what it means by being patriotic. You have to do something to show that you love this country. Just try your best to ACT.

OK, enough boring stuff. I’ll let the pictures do the talking. I won’t tell everything here because 5 days is not a short period.

Duration of the course: 31 May to 4 June ( 5 days 4 night)

Venue: Kem Bina Negara, Tanjung Rhu, Sepang

(An extremely secluded piece of land, escaping will only put you into

another worse position, and very poor mobile signal, almost nil.)

The Dorm

16 person sharing a dorm, not something I enjoy…

My bed, the upper bunk

No wall fan around, super hot in the afternoon.

School boy-looking dorm-matezz

Daniel (photographer) and Ah Wong missing.

The formal dress code was short-sleeved white shirt and dark-coloured slack.

I know…

Auditorium

The super comfortable and sleep-inducing “theatre” where we

attended facilitators’ slide presentation and other activities.

People cramming to sign their attendance

Every aspect of us will be evaluated, contributing to 40% of total score,

the other 60% comes from exam on the last day.

Fellow Manipal-ians

Me and Chee Kit (the tallest guy I’ve ever met).

Guys watching girls dancing

We were asked to close our eyes and mimic the gestures of a musical conductor,

but it turned out that some were dancing instead.

I wasn’t allowed to use my phone to snap pictures, but since the facilitators were enjoying the show so much, no one would notice me doing that.

Tower for flying-fox and abseiling

I wanted to try that sooooo much but too bad, no chance due to lack of trainers.

Picture taken from inside of auditorium through window pane.

A comical scene displaying factors contributing to the fall of ancient Malacca

In one of the LDKs (Latihan dalam Kumpulan), we were asked to list the characteristics of the people in the picture. So we came out with “pembelot”, “pengkhianat”, “berpeluk tubuh”, “mata duitan” etc etc etc…

Then my group’s facilitator asked: “Adakah anda familier d’ngan semue ni?”

No one answered. Then he continued: “ Ini adalah sifat-sifat yang saye nampak dari diri anda semue! Kalau anda masih tak berubah, andalah yang bakal menghapuskan negare kite ni… … … Saye rase anda TIDAK LAYAK menerima biasiswa JPA… … Name Agong tak tau! Name permaisuri tak tau!… …”

Kembara

My favourite activity of all. It was the first and dirtiest and stinkiest jungle trekking ever had.

People emerging from the “hole”

Crossing leech-ful river

Eric, me, Stephanie and Vee Kee.

More climbing

We destroyed people’s vege farm on our way back to camp. Sorry~~ XD

Kem Bina Negara!

What a seclusion…

The first batch of survivors who made it back to the camp!

Back: Ah Wong, Vanessa, Stehanie, Vee Kee, Eric.

Front: Susu, me.

We waited for the others to arrive and were not allowed to take shower. All of us were dirty, smelly, tired, hungry and wounded. When we were released to have our dinner, I rushed back to the dorm to bath so that I don’t have to compete with others for the washroom later. After refreshing myself, I went to the canteen to have dinner with Eric. My group members left us plenty of food.

Million thanks for being so kind and considerate!

It was Thursday night, the last night there. I had the BEST dinner since arrival with Eric, later joined by Gabriel, Mizan and Christine. We stayed there until it was almost time to assemble at the auditorium for the last session with the facilitators.

On Friday, we were allowed to wake up and assemble late so that we can do last minute revision for the exam and to pack our stuff. The exam was ridiculously easy. I think all of us managed to pass. We had our lunch after that and waited for the buses to come take us back to KTT.

Back at KTT, I waited for a few hours for a van to arrive, to take me and some other desperate friends to KTM. Not long after that, we were already lying inside coaches, on our way to Singapore…